Friday, January 11, 2013

Pregnancy Loss (My Miscarriage Story)

No, I did not miscarry Rylee. She is still very much alive and wiggling around as I type.

   Within the past few months, a few of the women I've known both online and off have miscarried. Some further along in their pregnancies, others suffered loss in the beginning. No matter how long you were pregnant, its hard. When a woman miscarries, it has the effect of making her feel like a bad mother, or like less of a woman. She feels betrayed by her own body. She was made for pregnancy, so why cant she do it It changes the way a woman thinks of herself.

   Early March 2012, I miscarried my first child. It was the most traumatizing thing to experience in my life. I blamed myself. The moment you are told that your body has failed to do what it was supposed to do, you suddenly remember every bad thing you had done in the past few months. A week before I found out I was pregnant, my father-in-law died suddenly in a motorcycle accident. Nobody saw it coming and it felt like it shook up my entire world. The sound of my husband screaming in the driveway and collapsing on the dirt will forever haunt me. Besides me, his father was all he had, his entire world just stopped with no warning. Out of the entire ordeal of suffering his fathers loss, the way my husband reacted is what traumatized me the most, as well as the thought that it could have just as easily been my father.

The night after we found out about his fathers death, I got really drunk. I had never dealt with loss before and frankly, I didn't know how to deal with it. At the time, I was a smoker, and along with the drinking, I'm pretty sure I went through an entire pack in those two days. A week later, I found out I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I instantly stopped drinking and smoking. Out of something so sad, something happy came out of it. My husband seemed happy again and everything seemed to be looking up.

I told my dad and he called and set up an appointment for me. I went to my appointment and everything was confirmed. I was pregnant. I was afraid to tell my mother, I didn't know what to say to her or how to say it. I just knew that she was going to be furious with me. My dad offered to tell her for me. I'm still glad that I didn't tell her because I was right. For two weeks, she didn't talk to me. Her being so mad at me made me regret and even hate being pregnant. For a while, I wished I wasn't.

One day, when me, my husband and his grandparents we're out to dinner I started cramping, when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding. I had been spotting in the days before, but I figured it was implantation bleeding. This time, it wasn't spotting. It looked like I was on my period. I told my husband and we went to the hospital.

They drew my blood and sent me home, all they told me was that if it got worse, to come back. Needless to say it got worse. I went back to the hospital and they drew my blood again. The doctor came in and told me that my hormone levels had dropped. I went home and cried, I felt alone. Nobody seemed to care. It was the darkest point in my life.

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