Before a woman gets pregnant she builds assumptions of what those nine months will be like. Every woman pictures those first kicks, the first ultrasound and the ever sought after pregnancy glow. However there are a lot of things that you're not told before jumping into pregnancy. Everyone has their own things that surprised them the most about pregnancy and this is my top ten list of "pregnancy what-the-fucks?!"
1.) Constipation. When I think about it now, it should be common sense, with some extra weight down there it should be tough to get things moving but nobody ever told me that from the beginning of pregnancy you could go almost a week without going. I was also never told that once you did, it would feel like you were trying to pass a life sized replica of Stonehenge. An experience that has literally brought me to tears numerous times in early pregnancy.
2.) Hormones. I knew that I would get hormonal and occasionally go on rampages for no reason. I did not know that I would be fully aware that I was being hormonal and irrational, I just wouldn't give a fuck, or that occasionally I would start crying for literally no reason at all and that I would become frustrated at this and start crying even more. It has at times left me and my husband questioning my sanity. Do they even make maternity straight jackets??
3.) Libido. I've always heard this go either way. Some women say pregnancy sex is amazing, others say that they didn't want sex at all during pregnancy. Nobody ever warned me of the possibility that I would want sex, just not with my husband. Me and my vibrator have built up a wonderful friendship over the past seven months. It's nothing against traditional sex, or anything against my husband, lately I've just really preferred to do it myself. Maybe it's because I can time my personal time to between kicking sessions where as my husband seems to pick the moments when our daughter is most active. Nothing turns you off faster than a baby kicking.
4.) Baby Kicks. I love when my daughter kicks. I think it's incredibly cute and it's a fun little reminder of the amazing things happening in my body. However, nobody ever told me that not only can these kicks and movements be cute, but at first it's downright freaky. There is no way to describe the feeling of another human being moving around inside of you. I never pictured kicks to look or feel like a scene out of Aliens.
5.) Painful Kicks. Once you get past the cute little kicks and bumps being new you start to not really think about them. They become a natural part of your body. Nobody told me that once you get used to it and the baby gets bigger, her once cute kicks can become ferocious kicks and punches all over the body. I didn't realize that karate was a birth requirement!
6.) Love. I knew that at birth I would instantly love my child. Nobody ever told me that the unconditional love for your child starts before your baby is ever born. I was never told that my daughter wouldn't even be born yet, and I would already do anything for her. It really is amazing how much love the heart is capable of.
7.) Other Pregnant Women/Mothers. Before you get pregnant you always picture a web of pregnant women and seasoned vets being there to help you through this life changing experience. What I was never told was that although a lot of them are helpful and you can build that wonderful web of support, you will never get more judgement on your pregnancy or parenting than from other pregnant women and mothers. A lot of other women treat it like a competition and are constantly trying to prove their superior motherhood. Even before their child is even born. The sad thing is, without self control, you will likely find yourself doing the same thing, spending your days looking down at the "less experienced". Word of advice, control yourself. You were once at the same point in this adventure as they were, and you thought the same things and complained about the same things. Let them experience it for themselves. It's not a competition. There is no medal for being the best mother. Help each other.
8.) Cravings. Before getting pregnant you know that at some point you're going to get a craving for something. What nobody ever tells you is how obsessive you will become over the item you're craving or how wonderfully satisfying it is to finally get your craving. I've had a few cravings where it's all I thought about until I finally got it. Thankfully I had a wonderful husband who is willing to run to Walmart at 3am for brownies or Mac and cheese.
9.) Friendships. Before pregnancy, you have a web of your best friends. Nobody ever tells you that once you get pregnant, a lot of those friends start to disappear. It starts to feel like nobody wants to hang out with the pregnant girl. You'll go from chatting up your best friend on a daily basis to not speaking to her for months at a time, an you haven't even had your baby yet!! I wish people would realize that pregnancy isn't contagious and it doesn't mean that I can't go do things. Jut because I'm not going to go get shitfaced anymore does not mean that I can't do anything. You really start to learn who your real friends are.
10.) Labor. Even before pregnancy labor is a terrifying idea. Even knowing that it is 100% natural it will scare the ever living shit out of you. (Which is great seeing as you haven't gone in four days!) So many things can go wrong during labor. It can go really smoothly or it can be long and complicated. There are a million different variants. Nobody ever tells you that even through all the fear, it's something you look forward to. I've never been so excited for something in my life, but I've also never been so afraid. Some days I hope it never happens and other days it won't happen soon enough. No matter the feeling, the only thing that really matters is finally having your baby and the feeling of empowerment that comes with it.
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